A blogger I follow recently posed the question “What did you learn from your dad?” As Fathers Day is approaching, I thought this would be an appropriate time to address the topic. Although there are many answers, some come to mind as the main priorities.
An incident from early childhood covers two responses to the question: first, values are best taught by example; and second, doing the right thing should not be based on fear of consequences, but only because it is the right thing to do.
When my father received a parking ticket, he made a point of letting me see how he handled the situation, and also gave me the opportunity to ask questions. I was watching as he placed the $2 fine and ticket into an envelope, and placed it in the dropbox. He explained it was because the parking meter had expired while he was away from the car. But when I expressed all kinds of worries about what might happen if he didn't pay the fine, he simply replied that he paid it because it was his responsibility to do so.
Looking back, not once over the years did I ever hear 'Because I said so,' or 'Because I'm the boss,' or 'Do as I say, not as I do.'
Another incident, a few years later, covered straightforwardness is the best approach, and also that my viewpoint was valued. My grandmother, who lived on the opposite coast, had requested I fly out for a visit. My father asked me “Do you think we should tell her you're afraid to fly?” My reply was “No, I think we should tell her the truth.” “And what's the truth?” “That we can't afford it.” During that period of time the family budget was rather small, and plane tickets wouldn't fit into the budget. However, he wanted to know if I believed honesty was the right approach, and was proud of my response.
A third subject: I'd always be backed up when I was in the right. Learning this gave me the self-confidence to stand up for myself without the concern that he would take someone else's side over mine. There were two incidents when I was a 13-year-old high school freshman that could be taken as good examples of this. In both cases, I went eyeball-to-eyeball with teachers when I felt the need to stand up for myself; and in both cases, my parents backed me up. Later, a principal approached them and told them why I'd been taken seriously- he said “You know, that kid of yours never gets into any kind of trouble.” so when I felt the need to assert myself, I was taken seriously.
Fourth, neither of my parents subscribed to the destructive approach “All adults have authority over all kids- what the rules are depend on where you happen to be, and who is present.” Instead, I was taught parents make the rules for their kids, and no one else has the right to defy or undermine parents or impose their own rules.
Throughout all my growing- up years, I had only one run-in with an individual who came from an entirely different background. I was twelve years old, or almost, when the incident occurred. One day when my father was at work, my mother had to go out to do some errands; before she left, she gave me a laundry basket with some items in it, and said if I ironed the items for her, I could go see my friends when I was finished.
However, shortly after my mother left, this particular individual came in, saw what I was doing, ran through the building and returned with her own basket full of clothes. She said if I ironed her clothes, she would give me a quarter. I thought for a moment, told her what my mother had said, and continued what I was doing. Well, this young woman went ballistic: 'I'm older than you- you have to do what I tell you! And I don't have to pay you anything!' I let her tantrum roll off me without comment, proceeding to complete my mother's instructions.
Evidently she approached my parents about this when they returned home- and they both backed me up. The young woman had no authority over me, and they were a little miffed over the whole situation.
Fifth, all people are equal, and all people have a voice. He never took the approach that being the breadwinner entitled him to 'rule' over the household. Not only did his wife's opinions count, so did mine- even when I was a little kid.
Sixth, racism and other forms of bigotry are just plain wrong. Oddly enough, he certainly had enough experiences in his younger years to have turned into a bigot. But he didn't. From his childhood in the south before Civil Rights, to getting stabbed when he happened to take a shortcut through gang territory as a young teen in California, his belief was that you must never dismiss or dislike any entire group over the wrongs of a few.
Seventh, there's no such thing as 'us' and 'them,' unless someone is being unjustly wronged or harmed; and whenever that is the case, you side with whomever is being unjustly wronged or harmed.
And what probably should have been stated first: family is everything.
I lived with my father for the first 21 years of my life, and then lived next door to him for quite a few years later on. He was well-liked and well-respected by everyone who knew him, I never knew or knew of anyone who did not- because that's the kind of person he was. He was a quiet, laid-back person who got along with everybody, and he was genuine. And these values I learned from him formed the foundation for my own life, too.
An incident from early childhood covers two responses to the question: first, values are best taught by example; and second, doing the right thing should not be based on fear of consequences, but only because it is the right thing to do.
When my father received a parking ticket, he made a point of letting me see how he handled the situation, and also gave me the opportunity to ask questions. I was watching as he placed the $2 fine and ticket into an envelope, and placed it in the dropbox. He explained it was because the parking meter had expired while he was away from the car. But when I expressed all kinds of worries about what might happen if he didn't pay the fine, he simply replied that he paid it because it was his responsibility to do so.
Looking back, not once over the years did I ever hear 'Because I said so,' or 'Because I'm the boss,' or 'Do as I say, not as I do.'
Another incident, a few years later, covered straightforwardness is the best approach, and also that my viewpoint was valued. My grandmother, who lived on the opposite coast, had requested I fly out for a visit. My father asked me “Do you think we should tell her you're afraid to fly?” My reply was “No, I think we should tell her the truth.” “And what's the truth?” “That we can't afford it.” During that period of time the family budget was rather small, and plane tickets wouldn't fit into the budget. However, he wanted to know if I believed honesty was the right approach, and was proud of my response.
A third subject: I'd always be backed up when I was in the right. Learning this gave me the self-confidence to stand up for myself without the concern that he would take someone else's side over mine. There were two incidents when I was a 13-year-old high school freshman that could be taken as good examples of this. In both cases, I went eyeball-to-eyeball with teachers when I felt the need to stand up for myself; and in both cases, my parents backed me up. Later, a principal approached them and told them why I'd been taken seriously- he said “You know, that kid of yours never gets into any kind of trouble.” so when I felt the need to assert myself, I was taken seriously.
Fourth, neither of my parents subscribed to the destructive approach “All adults have authority over all kids- what the rules are depend on where you happen to be, and who is present.” Instead, I was taught parents make the rules for their kids, and no one else has the right to defy or undermine parents or impose their own rules.
Throughout all my growing- up years, I had only one run-in with an individual who came from an entirely different background. I was twelve years old, or almost, when the incident occurred. One day when my father was at work, my mother had to go out to do some errands; before she left, she gave me a laundry basket with some items in it, and said if I ironed the items for her, I could go see my friends when I was finished.
However, shortly after my mother left, this particular individual came in, saw what I was doing, ran through the building and returned with her own basket full of clothes. She said if I ironed her clothes, she would give me a quarter. I thought for a moment, told her what my mother had said, and continued what I was doing. Well, this young woman went ballistic: 'I'm older than you- you have to do what I tell you! And I don't have to pay you anything!' I let her tantrum roll off me without comment, proceeding to complete my mother's instructions.
Evidently she approached my parents about this when they returned home- and they both backed me up. The young woman had no authority over me, and they were a little miffed over the whole situation.
Fifth, all people are equal, and all people have a voice. He never took the approach that being the breadwinner entitled him to 'rule' over the household. Not only did his wife's opinions count, so did mine- even when I was a little kid.
Sixth, racism and other forms of bigotry are just plain wrong. Oddly enough, he certainly had enough experiences in his younger years to have turned into a bigot. But he didn't. From his childhood in the south before Civil Rights, to getting stabbed when he happened to take a shortcut through gang territory as a young teen in California, his belief was that you must never dismiss or dislike any entire group over the wrongs of a few.
Seventh, there's no such thing as 'us' and 'them,' unless someone is being unjustly wronged or harmed; and whenever that is the case, you side with whomever is being unjustly wronged or harmed.
And what probably should have been stated first: family is everything.
I lived with my father for the first 21 years of my life, and then lived next door to him for quite a few years later on. He was well-liked and well-respected by everyone who knew him, I never knew or knew of anyone who did not- because that's the kind of person he was. He was a quiet, laid-back person who got along with everybody, and he was genuine. And these values I learned from him formed the foundation for my own life, too.