Awhile back, I had one of those 'lightbulb moments' after reading a book that was published decades ago and some comments on a story in the news. For many years, the popular theory has been that individuals who mistreat children are 'acting out'- adults who were treated horribly when they were young take their anger, pain, confusion, etc., out on their own children. While this clearly does occur, it does not represent the majority. The lightbulb moment: most individuals who mistreat children do so because they believe it is right. And if the high rates of child abuse are to ever decline, that's where everyone from law enforcement to social services must start to focus.
My uncle Bill said it best: Animals treat their young better than some parents do. But while he was referring to incidents of physical abuse that made the news, there's something altogether different that I've noticed in recent years: the approach that simply because children are small-sized individuals, they're 'not really people.' And from what I've seen, it can be summed up by a John Steinbeck quote- from a book he published in 1952: 'The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears.'
Not loved. Rejection. Physical assaults on children are bad enough; worse yet is the additional abuse of children being forced to silently 'submit' to physical abuse or they'll 'get more of it;' but while none of this is ever ok, the hair-raising ways I've seen adults interact with children shows there is much more to it. The first times I witnessed this, there were two (using word loosely) fathers- one had a 5-year-old child, the other had two kids around the same age. I was stunned and disgusted to hear these guys beckoning their children as if they were beckoning dogs.
More recently, though, I've witnessed numerous adults taking a similar approach, but usually including threats. The most mindboggling part of it: none of the children were even doing anything wrong. They were not engaging in any misbehavior, but simply not moving along fast enough for the adults' convenience. Children- ranging down to around a year old- did not run across the yard fast enough, or toddled the wrong way down a sidewalk, were threatened with physical violence. I even witnessed this on a city bus- a child, young enough to be in a hand-held baby carrier, was told by the individual I assumed was his father: 'I'm gonna whip your butt when we get home!' simply because the infant was naturally squirmy in the carrier. And the coldness and hostility in their voices, it sounds like hate.
It is important to note that in none of the incidents I witnessed were the parents harried, exhausted, overly-burdened- they simply did not want to be bothered; the little children were simply children-being-children, and the adults clearly resented the inconvenience. For this reason, another theory in the distant past was individuals who mistreat, abuse, and dismiss children's needs, were, themselves 'emotionally immature.' There is surely some validity to this approach- but there is more to it.
The book, originally published in 1980, made it very clear cultures are to blame for this. Dr. Alice Miller, the author of For Your Own Good, included a variety of 'beliefs' individuals have in regard to children: children exist solely for the parent's convenience; it is wrong to ever consider a child's needs; prompt, unquestioning obedience is essential; etc. But while Dr. Miller felt newer generations of young parents would have more common sense, she missed the most relevant point: there are too many individuals who grew up with these beliefs and believe these approaches are 'right,' because these cruel, dismissive approaches to children are all they have ever seen.
And the heart of the problem: individuals who most need the information that this is not ok, and education on how to relate to children as human beings, are the individuals who are least likely to have access to this information- thus, continuing the pattern, generation after generation.
The news story was about a football player. The story was bad, the comments were worse. Commenting on everything from ethnicities to races to religions, individuals commented that child abuse was simply part of the culture.
Can it get crazier? Sure it can. Not long ago, an individual who'd been prosecuted for felony child abuse (beating his youngster) went on to run for public office; one of his platforms: 'Real Family Values.'
It is way past time we started tearing down these so-called cultures, and make it perfectly clear that mistreating children is not acceptable- and will not be tolerated. Childhood should not be a time of fear- nor should the youngest, smallest 'citizens' be learning that they are not really people, and in the eyes of those who should care for them the most, that they are not loved.
My uncle Bill said it best: Animals treat their young better than some parents do. But while he was referring to incidents of physical abuse that made the news, there's something altogether different that I've noticed in recent years: the approach that simply because children are small-sized individuals, they're 'not really people.' And from what I've seen, it can be summed up by a John Steinbeck quote- from a book he published in 1952: 'The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears.'
Not loved. Rejection. Physical assaults on children are bad enough; worse yet is the additional abuse of children being forced to silently 'submit' to physical abuse or they'll 'get more of it;' but while none of this is ever ok, the hair-raising ways I've seen adults interact with children shows there is much more to it. The first times I witnessed this, there were two (using word loosely) fathers- one had a 5-year-old child, the other had two kids around the same age. I was stunned and disgusted to hear these guys beckoning their children as if they were beckoning dogs.
More recently, though, I've witnessed numerous adults taking a similar approach, but usually including threats. The most mindboggling part of it: none of the children were even doing anything wrong. They were not engaging in any misbehavior, but simply not moving along fast enough for the adults' convenience. Children- ranging down to around a year old- did not run across the yard fast enough, or toddled the wrong way down a sidewalk, were threatened with physical violence. I even witnessed this on a city bus- a child, young enough to be in a hand-held baby carrier, was told by the individual I assumed was his father: 'I'm gonna whip your butt when we get home!' simply because the infant was naturally squirmy in the carrier. And the coldness and hostility in their voices, it sounds like hate.
It is important to note that in none of the incidents I witnessed were the parents harried, exhausted, overly-burdened- they simply did not want to be bothered; the little children were simply children-being-children, and the adults clearly resented the inconvenience. For this reason, another theory in the distant past was individuals who mistreat, abuse, and dismiss children's needs, were, themselves 'emotionally immature.' There is surely some validity to this approach- but there is more to it.
The book, originally published in 1980, made it very clear cultures are to blame for this. Dr. Alice Miller, the author of For Your Own Good, included a variety of 'beliefs' individuals have in regard to children: children exist solely for the parent's convenience; it is wrong to ever consider a child's needs; prompt, unquestioning obedience is essential; etc. But while Dr. Miller felt newer generations of young parents would have more common sense, she missed the most relevant point: there are too many individuals who grew up with these beliefs and believe these approaches are 'right,' because these cruel, dismissive approaches to children are all they have ever seen.
And the heart of the problem: individuals who most need the information that this is not ok, and education on how to relate to children as human beings, are the individuals who are least likely to have access to this information- thus, continuing the pattern, generation after generation.
The news story was about a football player. The story was bad, the comments were worse. Commenting on everything from ethnicities to races to religions, individuals commented that child abuse was simply part of the culture.
Can it get crazier? Sure it can. Not long ago, an individual who'd been prosecuted for felony child abuse (beating his youngster) went on to run for public office; one of his platforms: 'Real Family Values.'
It is way past time we started tearing down these so-called cultures, and make it perfectly clear that mistreating children is not acceptable- and will not be tolerated. Childhood should not be a time of fear- nor should the youngest, smallest 'citizens' be learning that they are not really people, and in the eyes of those who should care for them the most, that they are not loved.